As we come to understand the true diversity and multiple possibilities on the sexuality spectrum, a certain orientation has come to our attention.
If you are fraysexual, according to experts, you may experience emotional and sexual intimacy differently, sometimes separately. But, we must stress an important disclaimer: fraysexuality is NOT to be confused with not respecting someone after having sex with them.
GLAMOUR asked a sexologist all of our burning questions about what it means to be fraysexual.
What is fraysexuality?
“Fraysexuality describes a particular style of sexual desire,” sexologist Emilie Lavinia tells GLAMOUR. “It’s often perceived as the opposite end of the sexual spectrum to demisexuality.
“Whereas people who identify as demisexual only experience sexual attraction after they have formed a strong and familiar bond with another person, fraysexual people find that their sexual attraction to another person diminishes as they grow more emotionally intimate with another person.”
It's not necessarily an easy sexual orientation to explain to a loved one or to identify with. Emilie warns of the dangers of misunderstanding what fraysexuality is.
“It’s important to note that for fraysexual people, this experience can be confusing and it can be isolating due to potential partners interpreting the extent to which a person who identifies as fray cares for them,” she explains. “A waning sexual desire is not the same as a diminished level of respect, care or romance for another person, although these threads are often woven tightly when building a new relationship with another person.”
How can you tell if you're fraysexual?
“You might find that your sexual attraction to someone lessens over time but that you still care for them deeply,” Emilie suggests. "That the excitement of connecting with strangers or people you don’t know thrills you the most, or that you find yourself much more interested in sex in the very early stages of a relationship and less so as you begin to feel familiar with someone.
“These are all thoughts, feelings and behaviours that you can explore with a therapist who specialises in sex and identity, if it helps you to try and make sense of them.”
How can fraysexual people best navigate relationships?
According to Emilie, fraysexual people practice ethical non-monogamy with a partner or their partners, which involves “sexual and/or romantic relationships between multiple people”.
“This can look different for every couple in terms of boundaries and limits but ultimately, it’s a way to explore your sexuality as a couple safe in the knowledge that you are one another’s primary partner and have a strong bond that can’t be broken,” she says.
“A fraysexual person might feel like their partner is perfect for them in every possible way, but in order to feel like their needs are being met, they might choose to have multiple partners outside of their primary relationship, with the consent of their primary partner.”
Consent is a key detail here, though.
“This doesn’t necessarily mean that all fray people are non monogamous or practise polyamory, swinging or go to sex parties. But ENM is a lifestyle choice that often works well for fraysexual people. The E in ENM is very important. Consensual non monogamy is all about communication and trust, it isn’t cheating and all parties have to be on board for it to work.”
What are the biggest misconceptions about fraysexuality?
We repeat: disrespecting sexual or romantic partners is NOT a characteristic of a fraysexual person.
“The biggest misconceptions about fraysexual are that they are game players, can be unfeeling and generally don’t want relationships,” Emilie says. "But what we have to unpack and understand is that the very binary version of the ‘ideal relationship’ is not something that everyone wants or that works for everyone.
“Being fray, demi, gray, whatever you choose to identify as, means being your authentic self sexually, rather than masking your true desires. This expression is important for healthy sexual relationships. The more we repress what we actually desire and pretend to want what we think other people will be most likely to accept, we’re completing an exercise in negative self talk and self loathing. This is deeply unhealthy.”
Fearing commitment and intimacy is a different issue, and shouldn't be confused with fraysexuality.
“Of course, some people do fear intimacy and it is possible to mistake perpetually avoiding connection and bonding for fraysexuality,” Emilie says. “If you’re confused about this, the best way to figure out if this is an expression of your true desires or something you believe you need to work through is to speak to a professional. Sex and relationship therapists specialise in guiding you through the principles of attachment and helping you to understand how your identity and your sexuality intersect.”
When navigating your understanding of fraysexuality, it's incredibly important to not lean into harmful stereotypes.
“Fraysexual people are not ‘just commitmentphobes’ and this stereotype is a harmful one. There are things that turn us on and things that turn us off and moralising what someone else finds attractive doesn’t help you or them. Fray people can be some of the most committed while still enjoying how they identify sexually.”
Can fraysexual people be monogamous?
“Of course fraysexual people can be monogamous, and plenty are,” Emilie says. "Fray people are generally very tuned into their sexuality, and how they define it, so couples are often a step ahead when it comes to seeking new ways to be intimate with each other and show each other that they care and appreciate each other.
“This can look like anything from acts of service and flirty texts to mutual masturbation and watching porn together. Touch doesn’t have to feature in a sexual relationship and respect, compassion and imagination are often what helps a monogamous union go the distance.”
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